I need a space to rant and rave about the ups and downs of pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood. I’m a reluctant mum, with an unplanned pregnancy, no clue about babies, and no partner in the picture to help me navigate unchartered waters. Never been the maternal type. Never been around babies or children. Absolutely no idea what to do with them. 

A couple of years back I started to think about babies, thanks to my biological clock ticking like a time bomb. Nothing rational you understand, but a deep yearning in my bones that my body was built for babies. I was afraid I was going to miss the boat if I didn’t get on the case right away. I had a couple of ex-husbands under my belt and the rubble of ruined relationships in my wake. A poor track record all round. It did not bode well for my future. I took a serious look at the sperm bank scenario, and pondered whether I could go this route, or be left on the shelf with the old maids…

Suddenly, unexpectedly, one more fling with disaster in a desperate attempt to get a relationship right, and I found myself pregnant with said child. My first reaction was to burst into tears and terminate. I wanted a baby (or so I thought) but not like this. Yet when it came to the crunch, I couldn’t murder my child, not after so much wanting and waiting. Poor little critter deserved a chance, even with a poor little mother like me.

This blog is my attempt to keep a sense of humour and retain my sanity on this journey. I gotta find a way to keep my head and heart in place, above water, or I risk losing it and make a pigs ear out of things.  I gotta find a way not to think too hard, too much about what I’m doing, or I might regret bringing a child into this miserable, fucked up world. I gotta find a way to realise maybe I’m not so bad a mother after all.