The unimaginable happened yesterday. I was too shaken up to blog about it, but I’m feeling a bit better about things today.

I dropped the bun-buns. 

He fell from a great height, from my arms, onto his face. He hit the concrete pavement. I can still hear the sickening thud of his head against the ground. I can still see his little body lying there helpless.

I keep replaying the scene over and over again. I don’t know why. Trauma does that to me. It keeps playing again and again in my head, trying to resolve itself. It’s like I’m trying to find a different ending, to reframe what happened, but it’s no good it’s the same result every time. I drop the bunny and he falls onto his face. Smack. Crack. Bad mummy.

It was an accident. Obviously. But I can’t help blaming myself. We were on our way to swim class in the city, and running late. Bunny LOVES his swim class, and he was excited as we rushed up to the building, me carrying him on my hip, whilst shouldering the big swim bag. I had my eyes straight ahead looking at the door, thinking we’re going to be late, we’re going to be late, we’re going to be late, when BAM! My legs hit a massive concrete block stupidly placed in the middle of the pavement, and the bunny went flying out of my arms and hit the deck, head first.

He didn’t move for a split second, during which time I screamed and felt sick to my stomach, and then I grabbed him and held him tightly, begging sweet Jesus please let him be alright.

The rest of the morning is a blur. Someone called an ambulance. A crowd of strangers appeared in a circle around me, all offering advice, ice packs and god only knows what. Some of them were probably rubber necking. Looking for a bit of accident action.

Then a fire engine showed up, and after that it was a string of strange uniformed men asking questions, and all the time the bun-buns is screaming blue murder like I’ve never heard him before, and shaking like a leaf with convulsive sobs and the side of his face looks like someone hit him with a sledgehammer. The skin has come off, and his eye is swollen and his cheek is dark purple and red it’s all so horrific I can hardly bring myself to look. And I’m supposed to answer questions???

After the fire truck, an ambulance arrived and then we were rushed to an emergency hospital for children, and bunny started to look like he was falling unconscious, in between these great body shudders, which freaked me out even more. But within an hour, he calmed down enough to nurse, and another hour after that and he became curious about his surroundings – electrical wires and flashing lights galore! A kind of bunny heaven.

Pretty soon, he was flashing his winning smile at all the pretty nurses, and even the doc got a grin or two. At that point I knew he was going to be alright. He scuttled around the floor after a couple of hours, getting into mischief, and after some more tests they released him to come home with me.

Thank God.

I learned a few lessons in all of this:

  1.  Babies are resilient creatures. They bounce back. The doctor told me that people drop their babies ALL the time, which was news to me, but I guess he would know. Not that it makes it OK, but it makes me feel a teensy weensy bit better to know that at least I’m not the only one who fucks up so royally.  
  2. Slow down, and don’t carry so much stuff when carrying the baby. I’m not talking just about physical stuff, but psychological stuff too.  Stay present, and breathe into the moment, rather than hurrying ahead to what may or may not be true (i.e. being late for swim class).
  3. LOOK where I’m going.
  4. Don’t EVER take life for granted. It can all go pear-shaped in an instant, so appreciate all you have every moment of every day.